Dismantling Harmful Masculinities

If you’ve read the last few posts, hopefully you are convinced that there are many behaviours within normalized masculinity paradigms which are not beneficial to the greater society, or to the individual who acts them out.

The next step is to defuse this destructive hyper-masculine bomb.

Fortunately, through not actually being beneficial to anyone, the dominant, negative characteristics of encouraged male behaviours are not hard to see through. It is worth putting these arguments into words. It is worth considering that most of these ideas about how men are supposed to behave came from some societal purpose or role that needed to be played out at some point in time. It is our job as rational creatures to think about how these ideas can evolve, just as our actual modern roles have evolved.

Perhaps most important to investigate is the mythical notion of man as strong. This deserves to be besieged because, like most things with humans, it is mostly a social construction, dependent upon culture. The reason for men to be strong is relative to the idea that women are weak.

The reality is that women aren’t weak.

Compared to other animals, other primates in particular, male humans are not that different from female humans. When we take into consideration the level of independence that modern women can have if they choose, and what this means in the context of human societies, the biological differences become even more insignificant. The social and economic realities of our times make the relationship between men and women basically unnecessary aside from reproduction.

Then why are men continuing to act out in antediluvian, even regressive ways?

It’s possible that culturally we are lagging behind the economic, political, and technological advances of the last 45 years. To figure out why this is, it should be noted that there has been increasingly strong, and increasingly well organized, backlash against every progressive social movement of the 20th century. The movement against the second wave of feminism in the 1960’s – 70’s, became embedded in masculine identities. Same with the counter-movement opposed to the LGBT social movement. There developed a harsh cultural counter-movement against open homosexuality, there came to be discrimination against men who had style and dressed well (compare the grungy, understated male of the 90’s to the flare of men of the 50’s and 60’s, the eccentric fashions and music of the 70’s and 80’s which came out of the protest cycle of the 60’s, the beginning of the use of “fag” as an insult directed at men who dressed well or respected women). This is only now being culturally counteracted by the appearance of openly gay characters and celebrities in popular media, normalizing behaviors, fashions, and sexualities.

The challenge in cultural transformation is that it has a lot to do with inter-generational transmission of values. Families are a very important socialization point. A generation is a long time to wait for change. As rational creatures with access to an abundance of information we owe it to ourselves to consciously assess our behavior throughout our development, our growth as people.

When we look at our behavior and what we think is how we should behave , we can decide if it is actually worthwhile behaving in such a way. We can ask ourselves: what are the outcomes of this? We can ask ourselves, why do we act this way?

Whatever you believe in, if you believe that people are solely self-interested organisms or if you believe that people are social creatures, extremely interdependent upon one another, you will ultimately come to the conclusion that if the result of your action is not beneficial, if it is detrimental to another human being it is probably not the behavior that should be acted out.  If humans are selfish, our absolute critical need for each other is still imperative. If humans are interactive, willingly relational beings, our critical need for each other is still imperative. In either case, alone we are essentially nothing. Relationships breathe life into us. They make us real in a sense.

Understanding this, it follows that our interactions with other people should be given special attention and appreciation in our lives. It makes sense that what we do in our interactions with others should be of high priority in our lives and in its highest form, enhance of the lives of others. Cooperative relationships reap great rewards.

Debunking Male Myths

Within the realm of normalized male behaviours there are many contradictions, this is confusing. As rational creatures, we owe it to ourselves to sit down and think through the things we value and try and understand if we are doing justice to what we believe in, and more importantly, if what we believe in is even worth believing.

Let’s start with the idea that “man is strong” and build off of that.

This is an ambiguous phrase. It requires some clarification and a thorough definition for our purposes. There is no harm in being physically strong, that is certainly a benefit. Being physically healthy is a great way to live, ask any doctor or dietician. On the flip side, there are some serious male self-image and diet problems that pose dangerous health risks that come out of this idealized vision. That’s pretty obvious though. What I want to focus on instead is the idea of mental strength. This is a very important concept which seems to be deeply embedded in the general masculine psyche.

There is a specific delusion in the idea of mental strength which is worth exploring in detail. The idea that being strong is being heartless. The defence of the ego at all costs. The part that shuts people out and isolates the individual much to their own expense. The part that when hurt, pretends to not be hurt or scared. That sees emotional vulnerability as weakness.

The irony is that this type of “strength”, is really the epitome of weakness. Where is the strength in shutting down and shutting out anything that opposes you? That’s not strength, that’s narrow minded. That’s fear. Are our egos so weak, that they can’t stand up and face their opposition bravely?

This intersects nicely with the idealized virtue of courage, something which men are also supposed to possess infinitely. Let’s ask ourselves, are we brave enough to listen to others? Are we brave enough to face our own demons and the frailty of our own egos? If not, then we are not actually strong. We are lying to ourselves, and we know it.

Honesty, another glorified virtue of the ideal man is equally made impossible through fear developed from competitive, individualistic culture. Has our culture made us so afraid and ashamed of failure that we cannot even be honest with ourselves about how we feel and what we want? What we need in our relationships?

The old mantra that nice guys finish last is something that has been perverted and used to justify this male fear in shutting out the world and sabotaging relationships out of impetuous malice. Nice guys don’t finish last. Passive, self-absorbed, men who feel entitled to have everything without putting effort and compassionate love into their relationships and their lives finish last.

There is immense fear, and I know it’s scary, but we need to put ourselves out there. It can be a cold, lonely world if we aren’t willing to build positive, real, open relationships. Building walls instead. Ask yourself: Were you really hurt by another person, or were you actually hurt by your own expectations of them?

Do not base your significance in this world on how you think other people see you. Do what makes sense and take care of your mental health. That starts with having a worldview that will let you be happy.

You don’t have to be an asshole. You just have to be a respectful, assertive person. Yes, we can be assertive without being tactless. These concepts are only difficult to act out because we have built up such a cultural ghetto of masculinity. We can behave differently. The only thing stopping us is ourselves.

There is no weakness in having emotions. There is only weakness in not dealing with our very real problems in real ways. To pretend that problems aren’t real is escapism. To pretend you don’t have emotions and then express yourself through anger is basically the ultimate weakness.

If you are someone who subscribes to standard beliefs about how a male is supposed to behave, just ask yourself: Am I strong? Am I honest? Am I brave? Recognize that these aren’t just masculine traits, they are human traits, let us each lead by example.

 

 

Manliness

Manliness: How a man is supposed to look and act.

We could probably rate someones appearance as “manly” or not based on what we think a “man” should look like. Big, strong, muscular. I tend to picture Paul Bunyan mixed with Ronnie Coleman. It sounds silly, or even absurd but it’s true.
But how does a man act?

Well, getting the look down is the easy part. As we will see, dominant masculinity types are full of hypocrisy in our society.

First off – let’s point out that different groups have different expectations about normal behaviour. Then think about how many different groups we interact with in our everyday lives.

To highlight the point I’m trying to make, let’s look at two typical archetypal male roles in our society:

• “Christian Man” since North America is religiously dominated by Christians.
• “Blue Collar Working Man” because this is a large portion of the population and an idol of traditional “manliness”.

Let’s sum up some of the key characteristics of these manliness paradigms, as you read, imagine that both Church and work are very important and time consuming aspects of your life.

*Ideal Christian Man

• Spiritual (emotional, subjective, metaphysical) relationship with God
• Unwavering faith
• Repressed sexual appetite
• Repressed excessive desire

*Norms of Blue Collar Working Man

• Hard  working (“git er done”)
• Breadwinner
• Unemotional
• Not encouraged to display intelligence
• Unrestrained sexual appetite 

In other words, a male growing up often has a lot to grapple with in terms of forming models of behaviour, as they are often directly incongruous depending upon the social situation. Within the context of North American overarching norm models based ideologically on competition, these traits further manifest themselves in selfish and “scared-of-others” ways, rather than cooperative or otherwise socially beneficial ways. This further exaggerates social issues by corrupting even well meaning models of personal identity provided to men. It’s possible for traits to configure themselves in infinitely disastrous packages. The result is sometimes the rationalized development of a ticking masculine time bomb of unfortunately glorified traits picked out of our delusional society:

•  Physically strong
• Unintelligent
• Uncompromising and narrow minded
• Impersonal/unemotional
• Selfish
• Hostile or aggressive (ultimately a defensive mindset)
• Competitive, desire to dominate others
• Sex obsessed for purpose of external validation from male peers
• Solely fear based moral system

I think that the problems with this are obvious. Many of the traits that are exemplified and held up on the man-pedestal are blantantly sociopathic. This mode of being is a bane to all of society, and men are no exceptions. The problem with many male behaviour norms is that they are disturbingly negative. Male depression and suicide are huge problems. This is no coincidence, this is not an innate male sex issue, it is a socially and culturally constructed monster.

Psychologically self-destructive (through the erosion of emotional health and relationships), and anti-social, isolating tendencies are mass produced in our society.

If we can understand this, if we can understand how our actions hurt the people we love, and can accept the truth – that we are able to change – then things can improve in time. We can develop much more optimal cultures, conducive to strong mental health and general well being. A man needs to be able to access his emotions, he needs them to relate to others, he needs to channel them into things that he loves and is passionate about. There is no shame in that. We’re all human beings. To live without emotion, without passion, is to live in a colorless and lonely world. Emotions are what connect us as people, they motivate us, they make life interesting and at times awe inspiring.

We are influenced by society and taught how to act to be normal, but when normal is harmful to ourselves and others we have the ability to choose something better. We don’t have to be normal. Normal is synonymous with mediocrity. We can make exceptional decisions, we can have the courage to live in an inspiring, emotionally, and socially fulfilling and healthy manner.
*Yes, I know these are broad terms I’m working with but these concepts are general, as I am talking about general expected behaviors for the purpose of presenting my basic argument in a simple and accessible manner. Obviously there are much more comprehensive and specific analyses of Christianity and working class/working-middle class subcultures, I do not claim this to be such an analysis. Thank-you.

Men. What are we?

Many of us tend to take an oversimplified view of our own lives, not really grasping or trying to grasp what it really is. What it means to be alive in this system*, and why the society we live in operates the way that it does. This is all important to consider because it is being proven more and more that the environment, the world around us, has a tremendous impact on our development and health.

We are operators in this society. In other words, we do things.

We all understand what we do (in a superficial way). We perform actions, we complete tasks. We behave in certain ways, especially in ways that are considered normal. The problem with just accepting this all is that it is not really living.

Atleast it isn’t living if we consider living to mean participating in our own existence.  

Being an active participant in our own lives implies not merely that “free will” is real, but that our actions are decisions. To live, without living intentionally – with purpose and rationalized decision making – is not actively living at all. I think that with the exception of fringe intellectuals or religious folk, many of us believe that we do have agency (the ability to make our own decisions) to a certain extent.

Adopting this standpoint, to live with intention, actively and participatively, is to truly exist and experience the quality and depth of life itself in a truly beautiful, holistic manner. Ultimately a real** manner.   

What does this have to do with men exactly?

To understand what we are as men, we need to understand our own context. That is, the structure of the society that we live in. We have to understand why what we consider normal has been constructed and allowed to be thought of as “normal”.

We need to think not only about what we are doing, but consider why we are doing it and if there is a better way.

We need to understand what the actual consequences are of our so-called normal behaviour.

 

 

*By system I am referring broadly and generally to our overarching system, encompassing all layers and networks of sub-systems; the way people interact in a society (cultures), the political system, the economic system, etc…

**Please don’t waste time arguing about subjective realities on here. I maintain the right to some self-righteous liberties as this is my blog. Even if you hold the perspective that an individuals own subjective reality is all that matters, it is obvious that within that reality there is logic in optimizing your own world. Interpreting the world around you in a way that is beneficial to yourself. I suggest that there is a richer, fuller way of living than basing your existence upon such fear based models. Assuming that your consciousness in the only real one is basically a “slave morality” worldview, ultimately disempowering to the individual, justifying your own subordination and further alienating you from other people.